Some mornings, after I read the news and get depressed about the situation in the world, I treat myself with a TED talk. If I feel unmotivated, I choose an “inspiring” talk, if I need to loosen up I chose a “funny” one, etc.
Nowadays I neither need to be motivated nor laugh. I am quite excited about my new job, I am happy in my new city and I find myself in good mood in general. What I need now is clues to traverse my personal crisis. I am not going to reiterate what I have been writing for the past months. They show exactly my state of being. My struggle to fix a situation that I let grow complex. Naively I thought that “time” will fix things. That I just have to be reasonable and let things pass. What I learned from this experience is never trust time anymore. One should take the bull by the horns. Be proactive. Time, only makes acute pain become chronic. Similar to an untreated tendonitis, which I suffer from as well.
But this is an ongoing battle. I need a lot of self-analysis to figure out first of all why is there a problem and how to approach it. What is it that exactly bothers me, how would I liked it to be solved?
The answer to my question: “how did I get into this situation?” was that I have lacked courage all along. I have been scared of exposing my feelings and being vulnerable. Probably not scared of rejection, but more scared of being judged. “He will think that I am a crazy lunatic”, I kept saying to myself. And so I let the shame grow in me. Feeling ashamed of how I felt, and hence trying to hide it by all means. In the Shame talk, the speaker says: “To grow shame in a petri-dish you need three ingredients: silence, secrecy and judgment”. I did that remarkably well!
Finally, under tons of pressure I decided to break the silence. It became clear to me that the only way to get out of my impasse was to face the bull. I turn the knob of the arena, ignore the voices in my head reminding me that this is a crazy thing to do, and step inside. I close the door behind and find myself with the reality that has consumed me for so long. Once inside, I am completely defenceless. Stripped of my mask. Nowhere to hide. For the first time, I resist looking into his eyes. These are the same eyes that have charmed me at the first glance. They have seen me as the girl next door, nothing more. But now … I am scared to find out whether they see the unveiled me as a “crazy lunatic” or what. I still feel paralysed by shame.