When I woke up this morning it was 7:30 am. It is a Saturday morning and nothing obliges me to be up so early. True, I have to work yet on another job application, but I don’t feel like doing it. Last night, I was almost in a coma in my couch even before midnight. I was watching Husbands and Wives by Woody Allen, when suddenly I realized that I was dreaming about the movie rather than watching it. I dragged myself into my bed and slept in two seconds. So bizarre for me.

All is bizarre in my life lately. I am going though so much emotional up and down that I am worried for my physical health. So I have turned into a hypochondriac! I can’t tell all the deseases that I imagine having and the time I spent searching for their symptoms and being persuaded that I actually have them!

At work we have an extra chair in our office, which is for visitors. Every few days, I sit in that chair and start crying. Then my friend, who is not at all surprised seeing me in this state says: “You want me to play the shrink?”. “Yes”, I answer sobbing. And then he starts telling me the same things that he has said few days back. He knows I don’t believe anything he says, and yet he tells them to me. I need moral support. I listen to him as if I hear them for the first time and I wipe out my tears. I tell him all that bugs me and why I am so down. Nothing new, same old stories that he has heard hundren of times. I feel stupid for having this conversation, but I have no choice, I have to let it out with people I trust. Then as a bonus, I tell him few lab-related gossips. This is my way of compensating and cheering-up the mood. After few minutes I fell better, I get out of the chair and I start to work.

One day, I will throw away this chair that I hate so much. It is ugly and uncomfortable!

Everybody tells me that these days will pass and better days will come. That I will find a job and settle down. That I will actually have fun on weekends instead of thinking whether I have to go to the lab or stay at home to work. I want to believe them, but I just don’t know how that can happen and when! I have this feeling that it will not happen if at some point I don’t change things myself. As I see around me, there are people who stay in their stressed I-have-so-many-things-to-do mode even when they are settled and have a job for their life. So this switch doesn’t happen automatically. There can always be a “good” reason to be miserable. I just have to find a way to not get into this trap.

For now, I decided to go to the lab and work. I still have to push for few more weeks and hopefully it will be the end of this adventure. I have promised myself to find a job before another world war starts. Or maybe, if that is what is going to happen, I should not even bother? We are living in a bizarre time.

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